When I found out I was pregnant, my entire world froze, my system boiled in anxiety, and my body shook in amazement. Thoughts like: I never believed I could get pregnant, be pregnant, and futuristic possibilities ran through my mind and left me in awe.
But as each month went by, as each trimester came and passed, I continued to develop the strength and “audacity” to keep moving. Before then, the question of whether to keep it or not wasn’t on the table as unexpected as the pregnancy was. Because as a Christian and based on my personal convictions and belief as a person, it felt like the rightest thing to do — keep it.
Fast forward to many trimesters later, I kept getting the same good news that my baby was going fine and well. He was always referred to as the perfect baby because all vital signs and expectations were met and checked. You can’t begin to imagine how glad and proud I felt every time I attended the scan appointments.
It was relieving to say the list. Because I wasn’t so sure of my lifestyle being in congruent with how a pregnant person should live. It’s not that I lived recklessly but my diet was the same (poor-ish) and I quit my usual aerobics exercise (which I did at least 4 days a week). This was depressing at the time; having to almost quit your life for another life and not being sure of what’s right for mother and child to make it.
All in all, it resulted in me giving birth to the most adorable boy on earth.
I worried a whole lot though about several things but wondered a bit if I was going to form an instant connection with the said baby. Because originally, the pregnancy wasn’t planned and I’d undergone several mental and physical stress from coping with it. With coping with something I couldn’t inevitably get rid of to feel relieved.
But the main relief I sought finally came in the form of an instant connection I got with my baby boy, from birth till date.
It dawned on me that I couldn’t live without him when he was wheeled away from my room to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, popularly known as the NICU.
My heart shattered. It was like being given the most precious gift in the world and a few hours later snatching it off from you.
Luckily it wasn’t something too serious as suspected. I fought hard too to beat the hospital system and have my baby back in my arms.
Since then, things haven’t been the same.
- I feel immense love for another being so much I forget that I’m not wired that way. Motherhood has never really been on the plate for me. I just say it like “oh when I have kids…” but who was I kidding cos I never thought of it actualizing.
- I feel filled and fulfilled. Yes, both. Because my baby fills me with joy and chores haha. He makes me proud of myself from another light, as a mother. And considering how evasive I’ve been towards such a role initially, I applaud my bravery and succumbed self to this new reality. The chores aren’t definitely as easy but they’re worth it. This brings me to my next point.
- I feel purposeful. I’ve never really wanted anything in life more than to tend to other’s lives and be there for them as much as they need. This passion was what drove me to write in the first place. I like to impact in people’s lives a little more than they’d need even. Having my baby now, a life I helped bring forth to this universe, makes it the most purposeful thing and journey in my life right now that I’m tending to.
- I have a companion. Those who know me know that I love to keep to myself a whole lot. Not because I don’t like to associate but overdoing it (which might be normal in the eyes of other people), drains me a whole lot. So I spend more time alone, doing things that I love a lot and recharging all the mental, physical, and spiritual batteries I’ve got, you name it. Having a child now has given me the greatest company ever. Whether I like it or not, I’m always with him or always going to think about him. And this sort of companion is what I craved all along without knowing. When the baby coos it melts my heart, when he makes faces, I’m smitten. Everything he does makes me want to react hence, keeping me company. This, I would not trade for anything else in the world.
- I feel free. This is contradictory to motherhood considering that you’d be accompanied by a child everywhere you are and go. However, I experience freedom in a different light as motherhood allows me to apply any method of upbringing I like. This spans over the physical aspect, mental, spiritual, and so on. I have the freedom to impact any kind of thing in my child guided by my intuition and collective experiences on what’s best.
What has motherhood or fatherhood done for you and to you?
Because as for me and my household, I’m good. I’m glad. I’m grateful and I’m certainly hopeful for all the tidings it’s bringing forth now and in the future.
Good luck to you and yours as you embark on your own journey as well.